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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26479273">Against all odds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nika_writes/pseuds/nika_writes'>nika_writes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sakamichi no Apollon | Kids on the Slope</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Ending, Canon Compliant Aspects, Day Carer Sentaro, Getting Together, Indicated Suicide Attempt, M/M, Medical Student Kaoru, Mental Health Issues, Modern Setting, Panic Attacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:08:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,967</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26479273</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nika_writes/pseuds/nika_writes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been more than two years since Sentaro suddenly disappeared without a trace. Kaoru is buried deep in his studies in Tokyo and tries his best to ignore the gaping hole his best friend had left in his chest. When he one day hears the melody of a certain song, he is soon overtaken by the past feelings that he desperately tried to lock away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kawabuchi Sentarou/Nishimi Kaoru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Against all odds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story happened really unexpectedly. I stumbled over the Sakamichi no Apollon anime by chance and was immediately charmed by Kaoru and Sentaro. I found both of their stories and characters very touching and I couldn’t sit still until I poured out this fiction in merely three days. It's not beta read, so please excuse any mistakes!</p>
<p>The title originates from Phil Collins’ song “Against all odds (Take a look at me now)” which lyrics I find really fitting for this fiction. Maybe give it a listen after reading ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s still dark when his alarm goes off. Kaoru reaches for the nightstand to turn off the bloodcurdling sound that cries through the small studio he’s been calling home for the last one and a half years. Instead of getting up, he rolls over and buries his face in the soft depth of his pillow. It’s not going to be a good day, he can feel it. A glance over to the face of his digital alarm clock eventually delivers the reasons to make Kaoru slip out from under the covers.</p>
<p>After he has his first coffee for this day clutched between clammy hands, he flips the laptop open that is half buried under detailed drawings of human muscles and chemical formulas of various medicaments. It has become a habit for Kaoru to check his mails as soon as he wakes up. The dull stinging in his chest when he sees his empty inbox has also become a habit.</p>
<p>Ricchan stopped writing a few months after he moved to Tokyo to start studying medicine at the prestigious K University . Kaoru acknowledges her attempt at keeping in touch, but in the end it was inevitable that it died off. He’s just not the type that is able to hold on to a relationship over nothing but sparse exchange of emails. He was soon so consumed in his studies that he almost forgot about the girl he thought he was in love with once in another life. It feels so distant now.</p>
<p>What he can’t forget – and he really tried to – is the music that clawed its way into his heart and held onto it with all its force. Despite that, he never touched a piano key again. Kaoru keeps telling himself that he’s grown out of it, he just doesn’t have the time to play anymore. Plus, there’s not enough room in his apartment for a piano, so even if he wanted – which he doesn’t – there’s no way he could play.</p>
<p>The truth is, it hurts too much. Hearing the thundering beat of a drum, the flowing run of a bass or the chilling cry of a trumpet, all of it reminded Kaoru of <em>him.</em> And since he’s sworn to himself not to think about him, he left the music behind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He is only half way through his second lecture for today, but Kaoru can barely keep his eyes open. The diagrams showing different blood oxygen levels blur in front of him, even though he just cleaned his glasses with the hem of his soft flannel shirt. He craves a second cup of coffee. Or is it his third already? As soon as his physiology professor closes the lecture for today, Kaoru walks to his favorite café near the campus. It’s a tiny coffee shop, almost hidden between a hair salon and a seven-eleven, but it makes by far the best cappuccino and Kaoru’s student life got better by about two-hundred percent after he discovered it.</p>
<p>Kaoru leaves his usual order at the front and then moves to the back to drop into his favorite seat by one of the two windows. He decides that it doesn’t make sense to go to the rest of his lectures when he can’t even focus on what the professors are saying. He’ll take a quick coffee break and then work through his notes here at the table.</p>
<p>“Nishimi-san you’re looking awful today.” Sakamoto Takahiro, the middle aged owner of the café, sets down a huge cup of steaming hot cappuccino in front of Kaoru. “The cheesecake is on the house, I tried a new recipe,” he adds with a wink. “You look like you need something in your stomach, did you eat at all these past days?”</p>
<p>Kaoru smiles warmly back at him. Sakamoto became something like a surrogate parent, always worrying whether Kaoru eats or sleeps enough. At first, he tried to deflect his kindness, but, ultimately, he found himself to think of it as endearing. He’s all by himself in this big city, so it’s nice that there’s at least one person that’s concerned about him.</p>
<p>“Of course I did, Sakamoto-san. I’m just a bit tired of lectures today, so I’ll study here for a bit if it doesn’t cause you any inconvenience,” Kaoru says while wrapping his hands around the scalding hot ceramic.</p>
<p>The café owner rolls his eyes. “No need to be so formal, just call for me when you need a refill,” he says and points at the cup in Kaoru’s hands. Then he retreats to the back of his shop, out if Kaoru’s sight. He sighs and takes a deep sip from his cup, regretting it immediately when he burns his tongue.</p>
<p>Kaoru is completely immersed in his notes, only noticing the shop’s door bell ringing at the edge of his consciousness. He flips the page of his text book, a highlighter hovering over the words when something makes him raise his head. He felt it more than he heard it, but there was a familiar voice just now that dragged him out of his trance. Kaoru shuffles in his seat to take a look at the front of the shop, but he only catches a glimpse of honey brown hair and a broad back, before the bell declared that the customer has left.</p>
<p>Adrenaline rushes through his veins and his heart starts pounding at an instant. <em>Could it be?</em> In the middle of pushing the thought to the side, Kaoru halts. <em>What if it is?</em> Then this is his only chance and he’d resent himself for the rest of his life for letting it slip away. He hesitates for a final moment and then shoves his notes violently into his bag. He ignores Sakamoto’s confused look when he runs past him out on the street.</p>
<p>It’s still pretty early, so there aren’t many people in the streets. Kaoru frantically looks around, eyes searching for the mop of hair he’d seen a few moments ago. When he finally finds it, the person is already turning around the corner of the street and Kaoru doesn’t lose another second and runs after him. Underestimating his own speed, he almost crashes into a street light when he rounds the building, coming to a stumbling halt only centimeters before he crashes face first into it.</p>
<p>The person he is chasing didn’t notice any of Kaoru’s struggle. Kaoru stares at the silhouette in front of him. He’s taller than he remembers and his hair is longer, but something in the way he walks makes his chest clench around his heart. What should he do? Should he call out for him? But what if it isn’t him, Kaoru would make a fool of himself to call after a stranger.</p>
<p>Kaoru is still fighting with his inner reluctance when he hears a familiar melody being hummed. He just needs to hear the first note to know what it is. It’s Art Blakey’s <em>Moanin’</em>. <em>Their</em> song. Every last doubt Kaoru had vanishes and he takes a tentative step forward.</p>
<p>“Sen?” Kaoru’s voice is barely more than a whisper. Despite his small steps the distance between them is widening. He forcefully swallows down the tightening lump in his throat and calls out one more time.</p>
<p>“SENTARO!!”</p>
<p>His yell resonates from the surrounding buildings and rings in his own ears. The man in front of him freezes. Kaoru prays to whichever god is available right now. <em>Please let it be him, it has to be him. </em>It’s like he’s turning around in slow motion, but eventually, Kaoru can see his face and their eyes lock. At first there is confusion in his gaze, but it soon fades into surprise, eyes growing wider with each passing moment.</p>
<p>“Bon?”, he gets to mumble in disbelief, before the air is knocked out of his lungs. It’s rather a tackle than a hug, but Kaoru doesn’t care, he just buries his face in the crook where Sentaro’s neck meets his clavicles and wraps his arms around his middle, fisting both hands into the fabric of his jean jacket.</p>
<p>“My god, Kaoru,” Sentaro whispers and returns the hug with the strength of a bear. Kaoru fears that his rips might break and the people are probably staring, but he couldn’t care less about the strangers around them. The only thing that matters right now is that he finally found the person who is most important to him after more than two years. Sentaro seems to feel the same way, the intensity of his embrace doesn’t ease up, instead he squeezes Kaoru even tighter. Kaoru had thought that he will be mad if he’d ever see him again, but this hug conveys the same amount of hurt that he had felt after Sentaro vanished. He halfheartedly fights against the lump in his throat, but ultimately lets the sobs send shivers down his spine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They haven’t exchanged many words before they entered Kaoru’s small studio apartment near the university campus. And now, Sentaro is sitting across his coffee table and Kaoru can’t do anything but stare at him. He had changed so much during these two years, but also kind of stayed the same as the last time Kaoru had seen him. Sentaro’s formerly short hair is much longer, tucked behind one ear so that it doesn’t fall completely into his eyes. Like Kaoru had noticed before, he grew even taller, certainly scratching at the 190 centimeters by now. His build is broader and his face had lost the childish roundness on its edges, but his expression ultimately stayed the same. There is still this mischievous glint in his eyes and his boyish grin is as crooked as ever. Kaoru missed this face so much.</p>
<p>“So,” Sentaro starts carefully, “I guess you’ll have a few questions, right?” He laughs nervously and rubs at the back of his neck with one hand, but his eyes stay on Kaoru.</p>
<p>Kaoru shakes his head to get rid of the buzzing numbness that settled between his ears. “No- I mean, yes, but I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re actually sitting in my apartment.” He takes off his glasses to rub at his eyes. “It doesn’t feel real, you know? I already accepted that I’ll never see you again.” His voice gets shaky during the last words and he bites his tongue to at least keep his lips from trembling again.</p>
<p>When he lowers his hands and sets the glasses back on his nose, the coy smile on Sentaro’s face is gone. Instead, there is a pained expression, that makes Kaoru flinch in his seat. Sentaro lowers his head and rests both hands on his knees to display a seated bow. “I am so sorry, Kaoru. I really am.” His voice cracks, but there are no tears in his eyes when he looks back up, only determination.</p>
<p>“I’ll try to explain everything as good as I can. Even though you still might think in the end that what I did doesn’t make sense. I think that way myself sometimes.” Sentaro starts talking and Kaoru listens without interrupting him once.</p>
<p>On the day of his accident, Sentaro’s whole world came crashing down on him. He rather wanted to die himself than be responsible for his little sister lying in coma. After Kaoru had fallen asleep on the roof, he went down to his family, not knowing what awaited him there. He dreaded the looks of his parents, especially his father’s, and even more seeing the tiny body in a hospital bed. What he didn’t expect was to find his uncle and aunt and siblings gathered around Sachiko’s bed and her blinking weakly up to them.</p>
<p>While being endlessly relieved, Sentaro never felt more like an outsider to these people, an intruder to their happiness. He had caused nothing but trouble and pain, so he decided that he doesn’t deserve to stay with them any longer. He took off his rosary and hung it on the doorknob, hoping it will protect his beloved siblings from any further harm. He never looked back after he left the building, fearing he might cave in if he allows himself to hesitate.</p>
<p>His initial plan was to visit Jun-nii in Tokyo and then going on to the coast to look for work on the docks until he figures out what to do next. Of course, he got lost as soon as he left Tokyo station without Kaoru by his side to show him the way. He had trailed hours and hours through the different districts of the city and just when he wanted to give up and look for a place to spend the night, he discovered a small notice taped to a street light. It was from a daycare center that was desperately looking for stand-in carer who is experienced with small children.</p>
<p>Sentaro didn’t think twice about it when he tore down the notice and began looking for the right address. When he eventually found it, he was greeted by a completely overwhelmed daycare director. Even though Sentaro didn’t have any education for being a carer, he was offered a trial day with the kids which he gladly accepted. The kids loved him immediately and he was hired on the spot the next day. There was a small apartment above the daycare that had been empty for quite a while and Sentaro thought that he hit the jackpot when the director basically forced him to take it as a gift for saving him with his help.</p>
<p>At first, it should’ve been only half a year until the other carer came back after maternity leave, but eventually, Sentaro got a permanent position when she had decided to become a stay-at-home mom.</p>
<p>“And that’s basically how I ended up staying in Tokyo,” Sentaro closes. Kaoru has been listening quietly the whole time and if he’s honest, he gets why Sentaro decided to stay. He’d seen him with his siblings, working with kids is what he excels at and what makes him most happy. And even though it’s so obvious why he stayed, he can’t fight the sinking feeling in his stomach. There are things in this story Sentaro left out, but Kaoru knows that this is not the time to ask about them.</p>
<p>Kaoru averts his eyes and plucks at a loose string at the seam of his jeans. “Did you ever think about us? About Ricchan ,or the old man, or Sacchan, or,” he swallows, “me?”</p>
<p>Sentaro’s breath hitches in agitation. “Of course I did! I couldn’t think of anything else for months!”, he almost yells. “B-but the longer I was away, the harder it got to reach out and since I didn’t have a phone, I didn’t even know how to contact you. In the end, I thought you’re better off without me anyway. I’d be just in the way between you and Rikko.”</p>
<p>Finally, anger flashes hot in Kaoru’s stomach. “Yeah? Well, you were really fucking wrong about that!” Now he’s the one that’s yelling and Sentaro is staring perplexed back at him.</p>
<p>“Huh?”, he says, “But you liked each other didn’t you? I even thought you might be married to her by now.” The confused and distressed look on Sentaro’s face lets Kaoru’s anger steam off as fast as it raised to his head. Bitterness is taking its place instead.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that didn’t work out. We didn’t even date after you left, it didn’t feel right. Us together, without you there. I lost contact with her a few months after moving to Tokyo. I haven’t heard from anyone since then.” He pulls on the loose string and it snaps off by the force of it.</p>
<p>Sentaro makes a acknowledging sound in the back of his throat, but doesn’t say anything. The silence stretches between them, each deep in their own thoughts.</p>
<p>“Kaoru.”</p>
<p>He looks up and is met by soft brown eyes that are standing in harsh contrast to the heavy frown of the brows framing them. The intensity of his gaze makes Kaoru’s heart jump. He wants to escape those eyes, but finds himself pinned in place, so he just nods once, signaling that he’s listening.</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean to let you behind. I won’t now. Not after I somehow managed to find you here, against all odds.”</p>
<p>Kaoru straightens his shoulders. “I’m counting on you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sentaro squeezes his shoulder when he leaves, giving him his most blinding smile. Kaoru shuts the door and slides down against it until he hits the floor with a dull sound. It feels like hours that he’s sitting there, just staring into the void with a blank mind and a frantically beating heart against his ribcage. It’s gotten dark around him when he finally gets up and slips under the thick covers of his bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The shrill screeching of the alarm cuts through the thick layers of sleep that weighs Kaoru deep into his mattress. He turns it off without looking and rolls over. His mind is still slow from drowsiness, but this feels like a deja-vu. His eyes snap open when he remembers what happened the day before. He grabs his phone from its place beside the bed with shaky hands and lets the screen light up. He has a new text message. He fumbles to get it unlocked, dropping the device almost twice in the process. When he finally taps at the icon with the small red and white one at the top right corner, the chat window pops up.</p>
<p>
  <em>»I’m just making sure I didn’t dream all of this. Was it really you, Bon?«</em>
</p>
<p>The breath leaves Kaoru’s lungs with a whistle and his lips quirk up into a disbelieving grin. <em>Sentaro was really here. </em></p>
<p>
  <em>»Nah, it’s true. I’m here.«</em>
</p>
<p>Kaoru downs the last sip of his second cup of coffee before leaving for his first lecture of the day when his phone buzzes in the back pocket of his jeans. A smile spreads on his face when he pulls it out to read the message.</p>
<p>
  <em>»Thank god!«</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>»When are you free today?«</em>
</p>
<p>There is only one lecture this morning, but he has a practical lab course right after it. Kaoru calculates in his head how long it will take to finish it up as he walks down the stairs. At the bottom of them, he stops to type the response.</p>
<p>
  <em>»I should be done around two o’clock. Meet me at the café near where we met yesterday?«</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>»Sure!«</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>»See you then, Kaoru.«</em>
</p>
<p>Kaoru stares at the letters of his name, black on white. Back then, Sentaro almost never called him by his actual given name. Why is he using it now instead of the stupid nickname he gave him when they first met and why does it cause a warmth spreading across Kaoru’s chest? He shakes it off, shoves the phone back into his pocket and walks off with much more energy in his steps than yesterday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The course has finished earlier than expected, so Kaoru takes the chance and orders two large cappuccinos to go while he’s waiting for Sentaro.</p>
<p>“Your’e looking much better than yesterday,” Sakamoto says when he hands over the drinks. “Did something good happen to you after you ran off?”</p>
<p>Kaoru considers the question and smiles softly. “You could say that I found something dear to me that I thought I had lost forever.”</p>
<p>Sakamoto’s eyes slide over to the window, then back to Kaoru. “Aah, I see.”</p>
<p>Sentaro is leaning against the shop’s wall when Kaoru exits it. He raises his head by the sound of the door bell and beams when his eyes find Kaoru’s. For this short moment, Sentaro looks like back then in high school, when he was waiting for Kaoru to finish cram school. Only that they are not the same persons anymore. A lot has happened since then and a lot has changed, but Kaoru hopes that at some point, they’ll be able to be as comfortable with each other as they used to. He always felt light when he was with Sentaro. He wants to feel like this again.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, did you wait long?”, Kaoru asks and hands Sentaro his cup of coffee. He takes a sip without even flinching at the boiling hot liquid.</p>
<p>“Aah, not at all, I just came here! Now come on, let’s go!”, Sentaro says with a coy smile and tucks him along by his sleeve.</p>
<p>Kaoru stumbles after him, trying not to pour his cappuccino over his chest. “W-wait, go where?!”</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>They get off the Marunouchi Line somewhere in Nakano and Sentaro leads Kaoru through the narrow streets of the neighborhood. They are passing mostly small apartment buildings that are squished into the narrow spaces next the roads and Kaoru has lost his orientation already around fifteen minutes ago.</p>
<p>Finally, Sentaro stops is front of a small building where an old wooden sign declares with chipping letters that this is the “Nakano Daycare center”. Sentaro turns around and spreads his arms like he wants to hug the whole house.</p>
<p>“This, little Bon, is my new home,” he says and opens the front gate to let them both inside.</p>
<p>Kaoru looks around curiously. The building looks old and a bit shabby, but there are many signs that it is cared for with a loving hand. There are colorful paintings on the wooden fence, obviously done by the kids and the few raised flower beds are overflowing with flowering dahlias in a dozen different colors.</p>
<p>“You wanted to show me your workplace?”, Kaoru asks when he follows Sentaro around the building. Sentaro stops to hook an arm around Kaoru’s neck, like he already did a thousand times.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but that’s not the only thing I want to show you. You’ll see when we get there!”</p>
<p>They reach another wooden gate that separates the front area from a generous backyard that has been completely hidden from the sight of the road. There are sandboxes, swings and even a small wooden climbing frame with monkey bars and a slide. And the whole area is occupied by around ten little kids. A small girl that was building sandcastles spots Sentaro and lets out a high screech before running towards him.</p>
<p>“Sen-nii is here!”, she cries and spreads her arms for Sentaro to pick her up. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world, he lifts her high in the air before settling her with one arm against his chest. He grins at her and then back at Kaoru who can’t help but to return the smile.</p>
<p>“Yui-chan, this is Kaoru. He’s a very important friend of mine,” he says with an unexpectedly gentle smile that makes Kaoru blush.</p>
<p>The girl eyes Kaoru with a pout on her round face. Ignoring him completely, she turns back towards Sentaro. “Sen-nii, are you going to play with us?”</p>
<p>He playfully tucks at one of her pigtails and sets her back on the ground. “Not today, Yui-chan. I have to show my friend a secret, but I’ll make up to it tomorrow. Now get back to your sand castles before Shou-chan builds a bigger one.”</p>
<p>He watches her waddling back and Kaoru remembers what he once told Sentaro. He’d said that one day he’ll have a big family of his own so that he’ll be surrounded by kids. It seems like his prediction had been accurate, but not in every detail.</p>
<p>He flicks his fingers against the back of Sentaro’s head. “Now what’s that secret, you’re making me curious.”</p>
<p>“Right, follow me!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sentaro pulls out a bunch of keys, flipping through them until he finds the right one. “This room belonged to the director’s late wife. My apartment is right above it under the roof and my boss allowed me to use it whenever I want,” he tells Kaoru while unlocking the door.</p>
<p>The first thing Kaoru sees is the drum kit right opposite to the door. The drums don’t match each other, the snare has a different color than the bass drum and one of the cymbals looks very worn down. Still, Kaoru’s heart begins to flutter like it’s the most beautiful sight he can imagine.</p>
<p>“You’re still playing?”, he asks quietly. Sentaro walks around the kit and drops on the stool.</p>
<p>“Of course I am!”, he says and picks up the sticks, “But what I really wanted to show you is this.” He points over Kaoru’s left shoulder. There is an old piano standing against the wall. The lacquer is chipped and the fabric of the piano stool in worn down and faded. Kaoru walks over and reaches out with trembling fingers.</p>
<p>“The boss’s wife used to give piano lessons in here,” Sentaro explains. “That was already ten years ago, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw it out. I think it’s another lucky coincidence.” He runs his fingers over tom’s drumhead and his expression turns into something sadder. Or lonelier, Kaoru thinks.</p>
<p>“Whenever I played here by myself, I imagined you sitting at the piano over there. When I closed my eyes I could hear you play. It really feels like a dream that you’re actually here with me now.” He kicks the bass drum and makes Kaoru jump. “What’re you waiting for? Let’s have a session!”, Sentaro laughs.</p>
<p>Kaoru lifts his hands and steps away from the instrument. “No, I can’t!”</p>
<p>Sentaro frowns and comes around the drum kit towards Kaoru. “Why not?”</p>
<p>He looks at his shoes instead of his friend. It’s embarrassing to admit that he felt like the music has left him together with his best friend. “I-I haven’t played in years. I don’t know if still know how.”</p>
<p>“Nonsense,” Sentaro dismisses Kaoru’s excuse. “Why didn’t you keep playing?” His shoes are coming into Kaoru’s view when he steps right in front of him.</p>
<p>He clenches his fists at his side. “Why should I?”, Kaoru mutters. “What’d be the point in playing if it isn’t with you?”</p>
<p>Sentaro scoffs and traps Kaoru’s face between both hands, squishing his cheeks between the palms. His brows are knitted together when he forces Kaoru to look him in the eyes. Kaoru’s heart makes a complicated thing and he hopes that Sentaro doesn’t feel the warmth of the blood that’s rushing to his face.</p>
<p>“But I’m here now, right?”, he says firmly. Kaoru wants to reply, but only manages a ridiculous sounding yelp with his face still squished. Sentaro snorts and starts laughing wholeheartedly. The laughter bubbles up in Kaoru as well and they soon have to clutch at their sides from how hard they were laughing.</p>
<p>Kaoru wipes the tears out of his eyes. “Alright. Let’s do it.”</p>
<p>Sentaro beams and almost throws over his kit in excitement when he rushes to sit behind it. Kaoru giggles by the sight and the sound surprises himself. He can’t remember the last time he felt so giddy and light enough to giggle. He opens the piano lid and sits down on the stool. He can feel Sentaro’s eyes on him when he lays shaking fingers lightly on the yellowed keys.</p>
<p>Kaoru exhales slowly though his mouth and presses down. The sound of the soft notes immediately fill the room. Goosebumps cover his whole body and he imagines the sound of Sentaro holding his breath. He plays a few scales to get into the feeling, but it’s like he never stopped playing. His fingers are gliding smoothly over the keys and his fingers stretch pleasantly in the familiar movements. Once he has warmed up a bit the scales seamlessly go over into the first tones of <em>Moanin’</em>.</p>
<p>Sentaro laughs out loud and immediately joins Kaoru with his percussion. Of course, it had to be this song. They fall into the rhythm so effortlessly like they’d never been apart. Kaoru glances to the side and is almost blinded with the brightness of Sentaro’s smile. They are winding up higher and higher as the song goes on, losing themselves in the music and the suppressed feelings that they kept bottled up deep inside of them.</p>
<p>By the time Kaoru plays the last note and the sound of the cymbals fades out, he can feel tears streaming down his face. He looks over to Sentaro and his expression is just as wobbly, but happy. Both laugh at the situation and wipe their faces.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let’s do this again,” Sentaro says when they step out into the backyard.</p>
<p>Kaoru jabs his elbow into Sentaro’s ribs. “I’d like that.”</p>
<p>There is a crashing sound followed by a child’s scream that makes their heads whip around. They immediately run towards the origin of the noise. It looks like one of the kids had fallen down the climbing frame and hit his head on a stone on the ground. There is a deep cut on the boy’s forehead and blood streams down his round cheek. He’s not crying, but judged by his wide eyes, he’s been shocked by the fall. Kaoru immediately drops down to his knees to examine the injury.</p>
<p>Sentaro’s coworker who was observing the kid’s play, joins Kaoru, but has soon her hands full with calming down the other kids that gathered around them, more than one wailing. Kaoru talks calmly to the boy, asking the usual questions after a head trauma, like if he knows his name or where he is. There is a small flashlight attached to his keyring and Kaoru pulls it out to check the boy’s eyes. Luckily, everything seems to be fine, aside from the still bleeding cut. The boy is orientated and there are no aberrations in the pupillary reflex that would suggest a brain injury.</p>
<p>“Sen, could you go and get some bandaging materials?”, Kaoru asks without restraining his attention from the kid. “Sen?”, he asks again when there is no answer and looks over his shoulder up to his friend. Kaoru flinches when he sees the look on his face. He turns toward the other carer and asks her instead to get the first aid kit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The boy’s mother thanks him for the fifth time when she carries her son away to get him to the hospital where his cut will be treated with a few stitches. Sentaro’s coworker has already gone back inside with the kids to distract them from the shock with ice cream. Kaoru finds Sentaro still standing where he left him, staring at the drops of blood that had stained the sand around his feet.</p>
<p>Kaoru carefully touches his arm. “Sen, are you okay?”</p>
<p>He turns his face and there is still the look of sheer horror on his features that makes Kaoru flinch again. He remembers one of his seminars about state of shocks after witnessing an accident and his alarm bells ring when Sentaro starts shaking. Kaoru takes his hand and leads him into the house and up the stairs. Sentaro had said that his apartment is right under the roof and, luckily, the door isn’t locked.</p>
<p>Kaoru pulls Sentaro inside and sits him down on the edge of a narrow bed. He kneels in front of him and takes his face into both hands, just like Sentaro had done with his own earlier, and forces him to look at Kaoru.</p>
<p>“Listen to me,” he says with a firm voice. “The boy is fine. He will need a few stitches, but there is no permanent damage. He’ll be back soon to play with his friends. Do you understand? Everything is fine.”</p>
<p>Sentaro’s gaze is still cloudy and his shivers won’t stop, so Kaoru keeps his eyes locked with his to keep him in this moment. He strokes his thumbs gently over his cheeks until a little bit of color returns to his skin. He can feel the relief of the scar under his left eye. After minutes of staying like this, Kaoru feels the tension leaving Sentaro’s body.</p>
<p>“He’ll be okay?”, he whispers and when Kaoru nods, the tears finally fall from Sentaro’s eyes. Kaoru pulls his head to his chest and holds him there while sobs are shaking his friend’s shoulders. It reminds him of the last time he’d seen Sentaro before he vanished. He had also held him like this after a child he loved got injured. Kaoru’s throat tightens when he realizes that Sentaro’s heart is more scarred by trauma than he had imagined.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sun is already setting when Sentaro’s sobs fade into a small hiccup and Kaoru helps him to lie down on his bed. The comforter is trapped underneath his large body, so he instead spreads a woolen blanket over him that Kaoru had found on the small sofa. He makes sure that Sentaro’s breathing is even before he turns to leave. He is stopped by a large hand that fists into his shirt.</p>
<p>Sentaro’s eyes are open by a small slit and a crease is forming between his brows. “Don’t go, Kaoru,” he says with a voice hoarse from crying. He shuffles to the side so that his back is pressed against the wall to make room for Kaoru on the narrow mattress. Kaoru hesitates, but he also knows that it’s probably better not to leave him alone after he just had a panic attack.</p>
<p>“Fine,” he sighs and proceeds to lay beside Sentaro, “but try to sleep now.” Velvety dark sinks over them like a soft blanket, when the sun finally disappears behind the horizon. Kaoru stares at the cracks in the ceiling and listens attentively to Sentaro’s breathing, looking out for any irregularities.</p>
<p>The whole mattress shakes when Sentaro stirs and Kaoru makes a surprised noise when suddenly a large body is pressing into his side. His arm is lifted and a heavy head sinks down on Kaoru’s chest.</p>
<p>“Sen?”, he asks uncertainly. “What are you doing?”</p>
<p>Instead of answering right away, Sentaro wraps an arm around Kaoru’s middle and nuzzles his face deeper into the soft fabric of his shirt. “I dunno,” me mumbles sleepily, “Please let me stay here for a while.”</p>
<p>Kaoru gulps, but eventually gives in and puts the arm, that’s been hovering in the air this whole time, across his broad shoulders. Sentaro’s warmth is bleeding through his clothes and Kaoru prays that he won’t hear how fast his heart is beating. Which is very unlikely, Kaoru notices, since his ear is resting right over it. This realization has it beating even louder and Kaoru bites on the inside of his cheek to suppress a curse. He doesn’t know if Sentaro had decided not to say anything about it or if he’d already fallen asleep, but Kaoru is glad that he is spared of the embarrassment of having to explain his rapid pulse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Kaoru wakes up the next morning, he is alone in the bed. He had just put his glasses back on his nose when Sentaro walks through the open front door.</p>
<p>“Bon, you’re finally up!”, he exclaims with a wide smile. “The kid’s aren’t here on weekends, let’s have breakfast downstairs!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kaoru enters the daycare’s kitchen and he is greeted with the salty smell of miso soup. At the stove, next to Sentaro who is busy with a frying pan, is standing a grey haired man, probably in his sixties, who turns around by the sound of his steps. “You must be Sentaro’s friend I’ve heard so much about, Nishimi-kun? My name is Toda, I’m the director of this daycare.” He gestures at the wooden table that is surrounded by several empty chairs. “Please have a seat. I want to thank you for your help with Yuta-kun yesterday. We were really lucky to have a young doctor with us.”</p>
<p>Kaoru sits on one of the chairs where one of three bowls of rice is already waiting to be eaten. “Thank you Toda-san, but it was really nothing. I didn’t do anything special at all.” Sentaro makes a disapproving sound and the director chuckles.</p>
<p>“Not every action has to be special to be admirable. Not everyone could have done what you did. You’re going to be a very good doctor,” he says with a warm smile that emphasizes the deep wrinkles around his eyes. Embarrassed by the unexpectedly honest praise, Kaoru blushes and mutters a thank you in the general direction of the stove.</p>
<p>Once Sentaro is done cooking the omelette, they sit down and begin eating. Toda-san tells them stories about how he opened this daycare in the late seventies and what kind of hardships he and his wife had faced along the way. Kaoru talks about his studies and Sentaro tells a story about his kids that has all three of them choking with laughter.</p>
<p>“The last few years have been really hard on us, we lost a lot of good carers for the most different reasons. It was real godsend when Sentaro stumbled through my door a few days after New Year’s. He’s a natural, I don’t think any of my carers were ever so popular with the kids,” the director laughs and pats Sentaro’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Kaoru didn’t miss the way Sentaro froze for a second and gave him a quick glance, before he shoveled the last bits of rice into his mouth. He also didn’t miss the one important detail that the director just dropped.</p>
<p>“New Year’s?”, Kaoru asks and looks at Sentaro confusedly. He had vanished in mid-August after the bike accident with his sister. There is a gap of more than four months between his departure and his employment at the daycare, that Sentaro didn’t mention in the story he had told Kaoru. What did he do all this time?</p>
<p>Toda-san, unaware of the tension that builds up between the two, pats Sentaro’s shoulder again. “Yes, yes, I remember like it was yesterday. He was like a stray cat, but I immediately liked him. It’s also not as lonely as before with him around, so I’m really glad that we got to meet.”</p>
<p>Sentaro stands up abruptly and begins collecting the dishes. “You’re too kind, director.” He goes for a cheerful tone, but Kaoru can see thee harsh lines around his mouth.</p>
<p>The director goes after Sentaro to the sink and takes the bowls out of his hands. “Let me do this. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about with your friend. You can leave the dishes to me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They both thank Toda-san for the meal and leave the kitchen. Sentaro is going ahead without a word and Kaoru follows him quietly. He is lead through the contorted roads until they are reaching a park. Kaoru reads the sign when they walk through the gate, <em>Sanshi-no-mori Park</em>. Sentaro doesn’t stop, even after they pass several abandoned benches. Eventually, he leaves the path towards the water and walks around a few tall bushes to a single bench that was hidden from the sight of the path.</p>
<p>He drops down on the seat with a heavy sigh and rubs both hands over his face. He lowers his hands when Kaoru sits beside him and looks over the water. Kaoru follows his gaze and lets the silence stretch between them. He is certain that Sentaro had led him here to talk, but he doesn’t know how to start. Kaoru knew that Sentaro was hiding something when he told him the story of how he ended up in Tokyo. He had also noticed that there was a certain darkness laying over the otherwise always cheerful and bright Sentaro. Of course he knew that part of this has also been facade back then, but this time it’s more severe. It must’ve been really bad when Sentaro doesn’t even have the strength anymore to keep up the happy face at all times.</p>
<p>The minutes are passing by and when it becomes apparent that Sentaro won’t start talking on his own, Kaoru gathers his courage. “Sen,” he asks cautiously. Sentaro grunts to show that he’s listening, but he keeps his gaze on the softly rippling water. “What were you doing during those four months?”</p>
<p>Sentaro takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly through his nose. “I –,” he begins, “I didn’t go straight to Tokyo. I didn’t have enough money for the ticket, so I had to get off the train in Kobe.”</p>
<p>He pauses and just when Kaoru thinks about speaking up, Sentaro continues.</p>
<p>“I tried to find a ride and hitchhike the rest of the way to Tokyo, but… Well, it didn’t work out that way. I was stuck in Kobe without money and when I went to look for some work, I met some really bad people. You know how I am – how I was, always quicker with my fists than my head. I got beaten up pretty badly in my first night on the streets there. And if I wasn’t already at rock bottom, most of my belongings got stolen.”</p>
<p>His eyes are dark and cold, like he’s looking at a place far in the distance. Kaoru can’t take his eyes off of him.</p>
<p>“Most of these months are like a blur and I can’t remember much of it if I’m honest. I managed to get my hands on money here and there, so I moved along the coast, but instead of getting better, it got worse the farther I went. I drank a lot to keep the bad thoughts away, but of course this didn’t help at all.”</p>
<p>Kaoru feels that they are getting closer to the core of the story and he subconsciously leans closer to Sentaro.</p>
<p>“One day, I–,” Sentaro breaks off. His eyes are shimmering with unshed tears that were welling up. There is a lump in Kaoru’s throat. He’s afraid of what he might hear, but he has to know.</p>
<p>Sentaro clears his throat. “It was a bad day. I don’t even remember why it was bad, but I felt like I was being crushed and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ver never felt so alone in my entire life and that must mean something, since I was pretty much lonely since I was born. There was a storm on that day and the sea was rough, the water was almost pitch black and the waves were high. I somehow found myself on the docks and I looked into the water and–“, Sentaro’s voice breaks off.</p>
<p>Kaoru had thrown a hand in front of his mouth and stared with wide eyes at his broken friend. He can feel his own tears falling, but he does nothing to hold them back. Sentaro turns his head slightly to look at him. There is a quiet smile on his lips, but it’s tired and sad.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t do it. I’ve always been a coward that ran away when things got difficult, when I couldn’t solve my problems with my fists. So this last step – I couldn’t take it.” He laughs dryly. “After this I got some money by unloading a few container ships and I finally made it to Tokyo. It was only after the fireworks went off that I realized that it’s New Year’s Eve. Shortly after, I found the daycare’s notice on the pole.”</p>
<p>Kaoru doesn’t know what to say, so instead, he moves closer to Sentaro and rests his head on his shoulder. He hopes that this simple gesture convey enough of his feelings until he finds the right words. Sentaro shivers by Kaoru’s touch, but he doesn’t pull away. He reaches out and takes one of Kaoru’s clammy hands into his own. His palms are dry and rough, but his touch is gentle and warm. Kaoru quietly watches their fingers intertwining and his heart beats faster with every circle Sentaro’s thumb draws on the back of his hand. He doesn’t want to let go of that hand. Ever.</p>
<p>The minutes pass and the wind is getting chilly. Sentaro sighs and releases Kaoru’s hand. It feels empty and cold without Sentaro’s palm in it. He stands up and stretches his stiff limbs. “Come on, Bon. Let’s get some food and then I’ll take you home.”</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Kaoru is quiet on the way home. His whole attention is fully occupied with thinking about Sentaro, even though said person is sitting right next to him on the train and is talking non-stop about the last jazz records that he bought. Kaoru is looking contemplatively at the boy – no, the man – that he always thought of as his best friend. His most important person. He thinks back to the time when he was in love with Ritsuko. At least that what he thought it was. Now that he’s older, he thinks it might’ve been nothing but a fleeting crush, caused by the unfamiliar kindness she met him with. The one he always felt most like himself has ever been Sentaro. He didn’t have to pretend to be someone else with him, everything was easy and light. And his heart was so utterly broken after he left, that he thought he’d never recover from it.</p>
<p>Sentaro notices Kaoru’s eyes on him and his lips quirk into Kaoru’s favorite smile. The train passes a gap in the tall buildings and Sentaro is suddenly hit with the golden light of the evening sun. The sight is so blindingly beautiful that Kaoru’s breath falters and it makes his heart skip a few beats. He has to avert his eyes, but he can feel the blood rushing to his cheeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’re at the entrance of Kaoru’s apartment building, but Sentaro insists to escort him right to his door. When they finally reach it, Kaoru turns around to say goodbye, but the words won’t leave his lips. There is an awkward silence where neither of them says anything. Finally, Sentaro opens his mouth, but Kaoru is quicker.</p>
<p>“Sen–“, he pauses and starts his sentence over. “What you told me today… It scared me. I scared the hell out of me.”</p>
<p>“Bon, I didn’t wanna–“, Sentaro interrupts, but Kaoru raises a hand to shut him up.</p>
<p>“It scared me, but not for the reason you might think.” He inhales deeply and looks Sentaro straight in the eyes. “I was devastated after you vanished. And, honestly, I never really got over it, I only resigned myself to the fact that I might never see you again. But it never stopped hurting. So hearing, that you were so close to actually leaving me irrevocably, it made me sick.”</p>
<p>The intensity of Sentaro’s gaze is almost scalding. He steps closer to Kaoru and reaches out to brush his bangs out of his eyes. Kaoru lets him. Sentaro doesn’t withdraw his hand, but instead trails his fingers down his temple until he cups his cheek. Kaoru lets him. He keeps talking, even though his voice is getting shaky.</p>
<p>“So please, promise me to stay by my side this time. I wouldn’t survive it if I lost you again.”</p>
<p>Sentaro’s gaze drops to Kaoru’s mouth. He’s slowly leaning closer, attentively watching Kaoru’s reaction for a sign of rejection. When their noses bump against each other, Sentaro whispers his answer, barely audible, only a puff of hot air against Kaoru’s mouth. <em>I promise it.</em> And then Sentaro is pressing his lips softly on Kaoru’s.</p>
<p>It’s not aggressive, or rough, it’s cautious and gentle and Kaoru feels like his knees are giving in. Before Sentaro can withdraw his lips, Kaoru gasps, grabs the front of his jacket and pulls him closer to return the kiss with desperate vigor. This is not his first kiss, but it doesn’t compare to anything Kaoru had experienced before. The only thought that manages to fight itself to the front of his head is that it’s different, because he is in love with him. He loves Sentaro. He probably loved him for the past three and a half years. And this time, he won’t ever let him go.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Visit me on <a href="https://twitter.com/empty_akuma">twitter</a> or <a href="https://instagram.com/empty_akuma">instagram</a> </p>
<p>Please leave a comment and kudos if you liked it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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